hOW To Not Be Institutionalized

— a golden shovel sestina after Fiona Apple

I know enough (now) what not to say and

I know enough (now) how to not be institutionalized and I

know that what you have to do is describe what you went

through without sounding like you’re crazy.

You have to explain that you’re having those thoughts again

without it seeming like committing suicide was your plan for today.

If you go too far, you’ll find yourself locked up today,

when all you wanted was some Xanax and

maybe an antidepressant. You’ve tried before, why not again?

I’ve been there, with a paper gown stuck to my butt while I

waited for some doctor to come and pronounce me crazy

enough to get some pills and be on my way. I’ve also went

to get my pills and ended up locked up, went

to the state-run facility explaining that I can’t be locked up today,

I have cats. I’m not even all that crazy,

not like my roommate who isn’t sure I’m real, and

not like the man who throws chairs when he’s angry and I

don’t even want to die that much, don’t make me go again,

please. Fear of being made to go back again

keeps me from being honest. I’ve went

to therapy so many times that I

feel like it no longer works. I know the tricks. Today

is a new day. Focus on the here and now. And

whatever you do, remember that you are not crazy.

It’s normal to go a little bit crazy

from time to time. You’re unemployed again,

never able to hold a job for long and

it’s been so long since you’ve left the house, even went

to the grocery store. You tell yourself today

but you don’t go, eating leftover delivery pizza over the sink. I

chide myself for gaining weight, then I

chide myself for being fatphobic. I chide myself for even saying crazy

when it’s kind of ableist but today

I cut myself some slack since once again,

maybe I do that too much. Maybe that’s how I went

crazy in the first place and

all of this is to say that today I will be gentle with myself

like I learned in therapy and if I find myself going crazy,

climbing the padded walls again, I won’t have to wonder where I went.