losing our grip on purpose

By Courtney LeBlanc

—after Julia Kolchinsky Dasbach

21 months = ~630 days = the amount of time she hasn’t wanted to die < 24.3 years we’ve known each other < 30 years which is how long she’s wanted to die = her entire adult life – how she feels post-ketamine treatment × my love for her × driving her to appointments – the tears I cried in the waiting room + her saying before treatment I wanted to die every day (averaging 2 on a scale of 1-10, 1 being you are planning to die by suicide, 10 being you’re as happy as imaginable) + after treatment she’s at a 7-8 = my 8-ounce heart lifting = she’s going to stay = I can tuck my fear into a back closet in my 3-pound brain × this year I know 2 women who have died by suicide + the year isn’t over × I’m still scared she’ll decide to die × what if my love isn’t enough × what if my love isn’t enough × what if my love isn’t enough = I wouldn’t be able to breathe without her + I’m still afraid I’ll lose her = she is my anchor = I am her anchor, tethering her to this life

Courtney LeBlanc is the author of the full-length collections Her Whole Bright Life (winner of the Jack McCarthy Book Prize); Exquisite Bloody, Beating Heart; and Beautiful & Full of Monsters. Her next collection, Her Dark Everything, is forthcoming in April 2025. She is the Arlington County Poet Laureate and the founder and editor-in-chief of Riot in Your Throat, an independent poetry press. She loves nail polish, tattoos, and a soy latte each morning. Find her online at www.courtneyleblanc.com.