By Sarah Rubinstein
“Have you ever considered trying medication?”
She asked me over our scheduled zoom appointment
My heartbeat was in my shaky hands
That would mean something’s wrong with me
If I relied on medicine, there’s something wrong with me
Mom said I’m just a worrier
But there’s nothing wrong with me
Just like her
When she feels like the world is caving in when she has to make a U-turn
Just like her mom
When she had to mentally prepare herself for her hello to the milkman every week
Just like her mom’s mom
When she felt like everyday was a war against herself even though she couldn’t be drafted
When a woman confided in someone
About what was going on in her mind
Back then
She’d get a lobotomy
When a woman confides in someone
About what is going on in her mind
Today
She gets a pill cocktail and a meditation app
Sometimes I wonder who would I be without my chemical imbalance
Would I be as interesting?
Would the people in my life still love me?
Would my writing be as good?
But I just keep taking my prozac
My security blanket
My guardian angel
My anchor
I don’t know how I feel about relying on it
To be me
