Forgive me while I Run
By: Mona Angéline
I.
It's morning
another chance
at a day
of peace
of truly me
of hope
of a glimpse into
that me that fully lives
But then
I open
my email
and there's no button
that halts the dread
that floods my soul
my spine
The pain searing
my soul aflame
my limbs numb
I cannot stand
can't stand
the spasms
can't stand the lies
my heart shut down
walled off
What will it be this time
the thing
that I did wrong
the thing
I didn't do
the flaw
that I am
The uncried tears
clog arteries
no oxygen to the brain
I try to run
run from it all
but getting up
from this bed of shame
I faint
Put your head down
The blood can reach
the brain that way
but so can the venom
Put it down
they say
No new messages
says the app
II.
Today I escaped
today I ran
Nobody can know
the true me
can't allow
the academic me
to hurt
And so I tell
the trees alone
about the panic
the attacks
the guilt
I scream inside
nobody can hear
Forgive me while I run.
Today I ran
Tomorrow
a new day
a new chance
at spitting, spewing
the venom
away
and far beyond
before it reaches
the place where it's
warm
in my soul
the place nobody gets
to see
but love.
My only wish
for my love to
be allowed
outside
among the trees
mingling
My only wish for
the true me
the me of love
the warmth
that's in danger
of being poisoned
The warmth to be
alive
III.
The rift in me
between the
uncrying
the perfect
the work star
and the warmth
the honest
the mildly disabled
the chronically ill
ashamed to not belong
to either of these ranks
No true identify
for this grief
despite the trauma
of forty-two years
If only
I belonged
so they see
the in need
of kindness
the desperate
the hopeful me
To heal
to reconcile
to leave
to run.
Every morning
and every day
to run
towards what's real
towards the love
No more.
Nothing but love.
Mona Angéline is an unapologetically vulnerable writer, reader, book reviewer, artist, athlete, and scientist. She honors the creatively unconventional, the authentically "other". She shares her emotions because the world tends to hide theirs. She is a new writer, but her personal essays, flash fiction, poetry, and reviews have been accepted in a number of publications. Mona is also a regular guest editor for scientific journals. She lives bicoastally in Santa Cruz, California, and New York and savors life despite, or maybe because of, her significant struggles with chronic illness and mild disability. Learn about her musings at creativerunnings.com.
